A Coming Out

Hi! It’s me. Your friendly neighborhood girl that has no idea about what the hell she is doing in her life.

It’s Pride Month! And I wanted to celebrate be doing a practice coming out.

I like guys and girls. But does that mean I should be bi? Or queer?

I live in an area where it isn’t that great to be anything other than straight. My parents are supportive of other family members that are gay or lesbian. But they always say how bisexual people aren’t real and that they need to make up their damn minds.

I want to come out. Just not to my family. Not yet.

I’ve been thinking about where I fall on the spectrum of straight, gay, bi, what have you.

And I don’t know how I should go about this.

But, I wanted to tell someone.

This isn’t a spur of the moment thing.

I want to tell someone.

But, like I said, it’s not safe for me to come out to my family. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

But I want everyone that reads to know that I support you and that you are loved by someone out there.

Graduate

I am officially done with high school!

Freedom is in my grasp, and now I have no idea what the hell to do with it. I don’t have money. I don’t running around when it’s not something I enjoy. I don’t even want to read. So, what am I doing?

I am taking online quizzes and basically wasting my summer.

Now, some might say that it’s only the first day of summer break, how could I possibly know that I am wasting my summer?

Because I have next to no plans. And I don’t want to be home with my dad. So, I am grasping at straws to do something. I don’t know what, but god damn it I am going to do something with my summer!

I am also happy to inform you all that I officially received my copyright for my children’s book!

This means that I am looking for a publisher.  And I am hoping to start selling copies by the end of summer.

Blame Yourself

You

You blame yourself

for how I am

For my tears

For my fears

You blame yourself

Notice something?

It says “my”

Not “you”

It has nothing to do with you

My fear of life

My fear of living

My sadness on Earth

My ocean of tears

Crashing against the shores of my fears

My hatred of myself

Has nothing

to do

With you

But yet

you blame yourself

For something

you cannot control

You cannot control

Me

My fears

My tears

My sobs

My broken hearts

My pulling at my skin

trying to break the chains

that hold me to this cruel world

You blame yourself

Senior Prank

What the hell?

My classes, senior prank is drum roll please, a pool party in the parking lot.

Let me explain though.

The original plan was to have a petting zoo next week. Which is a great idea, simply because people like animals, and having them can be calming.

It was decided that instead of a petting zoo that we should have a pool party. Guess when they sent the email? Last night.

It is terrible for a senior prank.

But as an event, it is rather nice, though.

Spanish… This might be the last

Oh god. You know how much I hate Spanish.

Guess who has to do a mock presidential race for Spanish class president.

Let it be known that I do not like the vast majority of my class. And they do not like me. We have a mutual hate of one another.

Does my teacher realize this? No, of course not.

So I have to present an entire fucking speech in front of the class. In Spanish.

And I have to make a poster.

Do you know the last time I made a poster?

When I ran for Student Council in elementary school.

I am a senior in high school.

It looks like shit.

spanish class campaign

Just appreciate the pink monstrosity that beholds the screen.

It’s terrible. But senioritis has hit me like a brick to the face. (Percy Jackson fans will be pleased.)

So yeah.

Two weeks, and then I am done with Spanish.

Thank God.

What Did I Do?

What did I do?

I won.

I listened.

I obeyed.

I did not fight you.

What did I do?

To make it worth hating you.

What?

I won.

I listened.

I obeyed.

I am destroyed by your words that cut me like blades

I am killed every day seeing you here

In my home

Where I should feel safe.

But instead

I am terrified to go downstairs.

What did I do?

What

Did

I

Do

?

Answer me

You scream at me

You hate me

I am a bitch

I am fat

I am worthless

Is this what I did?

I exist

That is the problem

You hate me

I hate you

But

What did I do?

Something

A hit

That never bruises

A cut

That doesn’t bleed.

This is something

This is what I live with

Yelling

That cuts sharper than any knife

Words

That will bruise as black as his soul.

This is something.

This is my life

I cannot be free

I am pinned

I am trapped.

I cannot breath.

Because this is something.

I am

Beaten

Bruised

Cut

Torn Down

That is my life.

That is my story.

No one knows.

No one can know.

Because this is something.

No.

It has to be nothing.

I am nothing.

More Scholarships

Ok. It’s not that I hate scholarships. I love the fact that I can get free money. The part that I hate is the endless applying for the free money.

Because God knows that I’m broke.

So, I have to think about what exactly I have done in the past four years of my life. And I’ve got to tell you. There isn’t much there. Another thing is… I didn’t even like doing half the stuff I put down.

Golf tournaments. Golf team. Golf fundraisers.

Hated that. Hate this. Hated that one too.

And another thing.

The essays.

They make me think about who I am as a person. Who I want to become. What I intend to do with my life. My future goals. Why I deserve the money.

I don’t know. I still don’t know. Why the fuck would I know. And I am fucking BROKE.

But I can’t just put that. I have to put down some bullshit I’ve memorised over past three months.

I am a hard working and dedicated student that loves volunteer work. I want the become a historian for a museum. I plan on teaching, writing, and working in archaeology. I want to become a professor at a university. I will use it to further my education so that I may be able to spread knowledge to the far reaches of the world.

That sums up every essay I have written.

Every. Single. One.

But I have to find a way to stretch it to 500 words.

Tell me how to do that.

So, yeah, love the free money. Hate the applications.

Debates

Ok, I am not a person that enjoys confrontation. But I have discovered that I am weirdly good at debating. It’s almost scary.

I brought a girl to the verge of frustrated tears. And I felt horrible about that. But I really loved arguing my point.

Debating, I’m sure, has many benefits.

That is why I am going to do my best to outline a few. This is mainly for the group of people that hate confrontation.

Debating has been proven, apparently, to benefit research skills.

As well as improve speaking skills.

I trust these facts. But yeah.

Get into a good natured debate.

It can be fun. Just don’t take it to far. No personal insults or name calling.

Keep it clean. Keep it kind.

YouTube pt.2

I realise that all I did yesterday was ask for an opinion on my making a youtube.

So allow me a moment to discuss youtube from my personal preferences as a viewer.

Let me begin with the ever popular Dan Howell. With his snark and sarcasm and purely dark personality, it’s quite refreshing.

I am a fan of Nerdy Nummies as well. As a nerd that is trying her best to learn to bake, this show is rather helpful.

Threadbanger is another love. I basically watch them too see how much shit they can put up with.

And this is only a few. But seeing as I have several scholarships due soon. Posts shall be short and infrequent. My apologies.